My Perfectly Dreadful Novel

Chapter One: In which the background is explained by the narrator, who has some connection with the case

(Rough Draft)

By now, most of the public has acquired some familiarity with the general particulars of the Quizzenberry murder case, which fascinated the media several years ago. However, despite the almost obsessive reporting by completely irresponsible reporters, many details have never, until now, come to light.The suspects, the motive, the solution and the aftermath were never fully described in detail due to certain sensitive information, as well as the identities of several people involved.

My involvement in the case was not fully reported at the time, as I was undercover-- acting as an unemployed actor at the request of the first victim, Lawrence Quizzenberry, a wealthy and retiring Circuit Court judge with a well-deserved reputation for eccentricity. As part of my investigation both prior to and after the murders, I jotted down a large number of notes, which I have used to compile this account of the cryptic events that occurred.

As a relatively inexperienced police officer I had been lucky enough to help with the Case of the Strangled Goldfish, the Butte-Feely Robbery and the notorious affair involving Congressman Hardly’s purloined butter dish. However, I was still young enough to feel surprise when our new Police Chief barked me into his office with my new assignment.

“Johson! Get in here!”

“Sir?” I carefully closed the door behind me, mindful of his usual tirades, and met the glare of icily blue eyes and buttons.

“Whatta you know about Lawrence Quizzenberry?” he rapped out. “I have an assignment for you.”

I briefly considered. “He’s a bit mad really, but he’s got pots and pots of money—something to do with exports…. or possibly imports.” I shifted nervously. “Of course, he’s had quite the reputation around here… the recent secrecy surrounding his personal life, his abrupt departure for France, that nude romp through the public fountain, the threats on his life and his dislike of clowns…”

“A result of his work.”

“Yes, of course,” I agreed. “Let’s see…. As a judge he’s presided over cases involving capital offenses, felonies, land disputes, contested probates of wills…and, and…” I looked up at the ceiling.”… general civil litigation.” I sweated profusely under his scrutiny, as this sort of drilling always made me nervous. “Of course, many of his decisions have been terribly unpopular….”

The Chief smiled and added “a real asshole.”

“Uh, yes, but I don’t see…”

His eyes hardened. “Quizzenberry’s requested an undercover officer to act as bodyguard this weekend. We’ve received several credible reports of attempts on his life. And he’s retiring.”

“Well, yes, he has been known to retreat into seclusion at times…”

“No. He’s throwing a retirement party. Over a hundred people— friends, family, dignitaries— and you. You’re going, and you’re gonna pose as a guest and keep a close eye on things.”

I considered this development. “Any suspects or possible lea…”

He barked “NO! Get going! He’s expecting you by six. Bring a dress.”

“Uh, yes Sir,” I said as I oozed out the door.

Total Word Count for The Mysterious and Dreadful Case of the Ghastly Murders: 495

This seems to be going very slowly...