My Perfectly Dreadful Novel

Chapter One: In which the background is explained by the narrator, who has some connection with the case

By now, most of the public has acquired some familiarity with the general particulars of the Ghastly murder case, which fascinated the media several years ago. However, despite the almost obsessive reporting by completely irresponsible reporters, many details have never, until now, come to light. The suspects, the motive, the solution and the aftermath were never fully described in detail due to certain sensitive information, as well as the identities of several people involved.

My involvement in the case was not fully reported at the time, as I was undercover-- acting as an unemployed actor at the request of the first victim, Lawrence Ghastly, a wealthy and retiring Circuit Court judge with a well-deserved reputation for eccentricity. As part of my investigation both prior to and after the murders, I jotted down a large number of notes, which I have used to compile this account of the cryptic events that occurred.

As a relatively inexperienced police officer I had been lucky enough to help with the Case of the Strangled Goldfish, the Butte-Feely Robbery and the notorious affair involving Congressman Hardly’s purloined butter dish. However, I was still young enough to feel surprise when our new Police Chief barked me into his office with my new assignment.

“Johson! Get in here!”

“Sir?” I carefully closed the door behind me, mindful of his usual tirades, and met the glare of icily blue eyes and buttons.

“Whatta you know about Lawrence Ghastly?” he rapped out. “I have an assignment for you.”

I briefly considered. “He’s a bit mad really, but he’s got pots and pots of money—something to do with exports…. or possibly imports.” I shifted nervously. “Of course, he’s had quite the reputation around here… the recent secrecy surrounding his personal life, his abrupt departure for France, that nude romp through the public fountain, the threats on his life and his dislike of clowns…”

“A result of his work”

“Yes, of course,” I agreed. “Let’s see…. As a judge he’s presided over cases involving capital offenses, felonies, land disputes, contested probates of wills…and, and…” I looked up at the ceiling.”… general civil litigation.” I sweated profusely under his scrutiny, as this sort of drilling always made me nervous. “Of course, many of his decisions haven’t been terribly popular….”

The Chief smiled and added “a real asshole.”

“Uh, yes, but I don’t see…”

His eyes hardened. “Ghastly’s requested an undercover officer to act as bodyguard this weekend. We’ve received several credible reports of attempts on his life. And he’s retiring.”

“Well, yes, he has been known to retreat into seclusion at times…”

“Don’t be an idiot. He’s throwing a retirement party. Over a hundred people— friends, family, dignitaries—and you. You’re going, and you’re gonna pose as a guest and keep a close eye on things.”

I considered this development. “Any suspects or possible lea…”

He barked “NO! Get going! He’s expecting you by six.”

“Uh, yes Sir,” I said as I oozed out the door.

Chapter Two: In which our narrator gives the reader the usual descriptions of the cast of characters

It took over an hour to reach the Ghastly estate, as part of the route was temporarily blocked by a circus parade. As I watched the jugglers, the clowns and gaily painted cars roll by, I took the time to mull over the dossier that had been left at my desk and which described a few of the family, servants and guests who were to be staying the weekend.

Lawrence Ghastly: aged seventy two. Retiring Circuit Court judge and married to Sarah Ghastly, whom he is in the process of divorcing. Collects antique firearms and porcelain bottle openers. Has received several death threats in the past, mainly as a result of various court decisions. States he has recently experienced several attempts on his life. No clear suspects at this time

Gwendolyn Ghastly: aged thirty five. Young and vivacious wife of Lawrence Ghastly. Suspected of shenanigans with the pool boy and gardener. Stepmother to Daisy and Robert Ghastly, who are the offspring of Lawrence Ghastly and a roaming gypsy fortune teller. Fond of chocolates, peach colored negligees and lurid murder novels.

Miss Janet Maple: age unknown. Aged spinster and distant cousin to Lawrence Ghastly. Lives in upstairs attic. Possibly senile, fond of binoculars and knitting.

Daisy Ghastly: aged sixteen. Mentally ill daughter of Lawrence Ghastly, lives at home and is schooled by a live-in tutor. Suffers from paranoid schizophrenia, obsessive compulsive disorder and the shingles. Fond of toothpaste and television.

Ethan Ghastly: aged thirty. Son of Lawrence Ghastly, suspected (but never charged) of passing bad checks and possible embezzlement. Fond of gambling, waitresses, yachts, Monte Carlo and port wine.

Nancy Drawn: aged twenty one. Recent college graduate (unemployed) with no discernable job skills, engaged to Robert Ghastly. Drives a blue convertible at highly dangerous speeds (has received two tickets this month from local police). Charged once with shoplifting at the age of seventeen, no other criminal record. Fond of pink.

Eugene Ghastly: aged fifty eight. Younger brother of Lawrence Ghastly, inherited the smaller portion of the family fortune. Noted bibliophile and collector of rare seventeenth century pornographic etchings. Fond of claret.

Sherwood Helms: aged forty. Old friend of Lawrence Ghastly. Dabbles in chemistry, botany, sensationalist literature, boxing, fencing and other irresponsible hobbies. Fond of playing the fiddle and smoking a pipe. Possibly bipolar.

Reginald Ghastly: aged twenty eight. Third cousin to Lawrence Ghastly, thrice removed. Professional tap dancer and set designer. Fond of Barbara Streisand and whittling small figures of woodchucks.

Gertrude Ghastly: aged sixty. Younger sister of Lawrence Ghastly, abandoned by her former husband, depends on the generosity of her older brother. Highly suspicious of foreigners, liberals, newspapers, modern teenagers, artists, smoking cigarettes, rock and roll, houseguests, atheists, alcohol, gays, airplanes, dancing, ham sandwiches, supension bridges, and minorities. Fond of tulips.

H_____ P_____: age unknown. Antecedents unknown. Possibly Belgian, French or Latvian. Occasional houseguest who was brought in as an “consultant” by Lawrence Ghastly in several past court cases. Fond of wearing patent-leather shoes and waxing his moustache.

Sam Rake and Phillip Merlot: aged thirty two and thirty five, respectively. Identical twin brothers and cousins to Lawrence Ghastly. Outwardly fond of arm wrestling, booze, broads and wearing trench coats. Both sport five o'clock shadows, even when it isn't five o'clock. But possibly gay

Gretchen Ghastly: aged thirty. Unmarried daughter of Gertrude Ghastly, works as the local librarian in town. Organizes the local flower, jam and quilting show. Fond of cocker spaniels, Bibles and rutabagas. Wears a wig and glasses.

Penelope Beefeater: aged forty five, cook

Robert Tautley-Forthingham Tuppings III: aged sixty, butler

Clarice Twinkler: aged fifty, housekeeper

Farley Leafly: aged twenty four, gardener

Pillsbury Montmercy: aged thirty one, tutor

The report listed characters who seemed dubious at best—I knew I would have to proceed slowly and see for myself. And as the electronic gates parted noiselessly, and I slowly turned the wheel to head up the long and winding gravel drive, I quickly rehearsed my cover story so thoughtfully provided by my as-yet-unseen host:

“You are” (it read) “to present yourself as Miranda Fairbanks, unemployed actor, prospective law student, and the youngest daughter of an old friend, Timothy Fairbanks. I plan to help mentor you, and your visit is merely to get acquainted and learn a few things. We serve dinner at eight. I hope you like haggis.”

It was signed: “Lawrence Ghastly”

Total word count: 1,254 (only 48,746 left to go!)